Being Human

What the hell is a boundary?
What is emotional maturity?
What’s this idealized way to be
happy, functional, healthy?

You need to be soft
But you better stay strong
Join humanity’s chorus
But sing your own song
Be independent!
But ya know,
You can’t do it alone!

It’s all madness,
this searching for the holy grail
As if living
is something
at which we can fail
And I’m feeling so lost and so scared
Wondering if anybody truly cares

I want you to see me
But I’m afraid to let you near me
What the hell is vulnerability
anyway?
I know I overshare
But I’m just too much to bear
on my own
Will you help me find a way
to be ok
with being human?

We can have an argument
about what it means to be co-dependent
Whether it’s normal
Or just fucked up
If it’s beneficial
Or messes us up

I don’t have the answers
I don’t know who does
Should I listen to a guru?
Should I listen to you?
Should I follow Jesus?
Is he the only way to the truth?

It’s all madness,
this searching for the holy grail
As if living
is something
at which we can fail
And I’m feeling so lost and so scared
Wondering if anybody truly cares

I want you to see me
But I’m afraid to let you near me
What the hell is vulnerability
anyway?
I know I overshare
But I’m just too much to bear
on my own
Will you help me find a way
to be ok
with being human?

I’m not sure if Kingdom Come
will ever come
Maybe it’s already here
and we just don’t see it
Maybe we’re all Buddhas
Maybe we’re all the gods incarnate
taking a stab at life
Just along for the ride
of experience

So who am I
to tell you how to live?
I swear,
I’ve run out of shits to give
about the way you cope
with the cards you’ve been dealt
It’s not my place to judge
how you ask for help
Because I’m just as needy myself…

I want you to see me
But I’ve been afraid to let you near me
What the hell is vulnerability
anyway?
I know I overshare
But I’m just too much to bear
on my own
Will you help me find a way
to be ok
with being human?

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Heartbreaking Beauty

Beauty can be heartbreaking
A drowning and an awakening
Pleasure and pain
are basically the same
Nothing is quite like
feeling them at the same time

Moments like these
leave me gasping for air
But I never stopped breathing
I can’t tell if I’m still in my body
or if I just starting leaving
I don’t know
what on earth is a boundary
Everything bleeds
and blends into
a fluid One
I am all of it
Together and completely undone

What is there to fear?
Why the anxiety?
It’s dancing with ecstacy…
Strange partners,
maybe.
But it’s
Death and Life
Life from Death
Again,
it’s all the same.
Core essence,
different names.

It used to scare me
I still feel those slivers tickle my soul
Sometimes it excites me
and makes my engine start to roar

Everything is nothing
and nothing is everything
Welcome to the paradox of existence
You won’t ever figure it out
despite your ego’s constant pining

Oh
Oh oh
When there are no real words
You just go
Oh
Oh oh
Sing loud
Sing out, oh soul

This is the mad dance
The one I’ve long awaited
The one that goes in the belly
that right now manifests as anxiety
I never knew
what I was writing about
I just wanted to go low
Oh oh
Go low
Oh
Oh.

What’s up goes down
and eventually goes back up
I can drop inside
and burst forth new life
Streching, reaching up to the skies
The stars will feed me,
I wrote
But the ground beneath me
It knows
all secrets are eventually exposed
Root in first
and then let yourself grow
Stretch me from here to heaven
I am the vine,
the ladder
for all sorts of different travelers
And sometimes it makes me sad
Who wants to be a stepping stone?

I feel others’ feet upon my soul
of past present and future
I’m both a map pointing the way
and a record of everywhere we’ve been
It’s all right here
inside of me
All the bliss and all the pain
swirling together
in the mad dance
of heartbreaking beauty
that takes my breath away.

highlo

keep that high pitch note
rolling like water over stones
it sounds so sweet
i’d keep that note forever
if i didn’t bore of it so easily
those high notes make me light-headed
dizzy
like holding breath
waiting for something
wondering if it will show up
while i keep that note drawn out
i keep that note drawn out
that note of pure innocence
waiting to be brought low
waiting for a new tone
utilize the belly
new voice of the deep
something other
than the airy
pixie fairy
ethereal
translucent nothing
bring in the soul
bring in the mad dance
passionate frenzy
of belts and screams
of something to believe
i hold out this high note
believing someday you’ll come
and pull me low

2007

Home (30)

April 12th, 2019

 

I often wondered if Home was a real place.
I spent 30 years trying to find it.
No matter where I was,
I never felt like I belonged,

so out of place

so uncomfortable

so restless and so, so lost.

I just wanted to find a place
to sink my roots into
and grow like crazy.

I begged the land to take me
I begged the people to accept me
I begged God to be my everything
and I begged heaven to somehow save me

But Home was with me all along,
I just never knew it.
I was walking around in it
(even if I was a foot off the ground).

How did I not see
the most visible parts of me?
How could I not feel
the most tangible parts of me?

This right here,
this flesh and blood and bones
this skin and hair and nails
these organs that pump and drain and metabolize,
this completely marvelous body that KEEPS ME ALIVE-

This is Home,

and oh,

I am so ready to come Home.

I’ve spent too many years on the outside of myself
seeking validation and wisdom from every external source,
chasing after esoteric spiritual truths
while ignoring the incredibly personal truth within me…

Within this body
are all the secrets to my existence,
stories of who I am
and who I desire to be,
and so many pent-up personalities
desperate to be set free.

This body bears all my traumas
both large and tiny,
and while I seek others to heal me
my body already holds the keys…

if I just listen,

if I just feel in,

my body will tell me
exactly what I need.

I was never taught to trust my body
and this deep disconnection
has cost me so, so dearly.

Never again, my love.
I will not be leaving.
As long as I remain on this earth
I’m sticking with you
for better or worse.
We were always meant to be together,
We were always meant to be One.
I cannot live without you.

You are the Home I’ve been so desperate to find
and I repent for having been gone for such a long time…

Thank you for accepting me even when I have rejected you.
Thank you for keeping me alive when I’ve nearly killed you.
Thank you for bearing my pain when I was unable to.
And thank you for calling out to me
nagging me
so obnoxiously
just to get through to me…
because you love me
and you know what’s best for me.
Thank you for always trying to heal me.
I love you,

Happy Birthday.