Home (30)

April 12th, 2019

 

I often wondered if Home was a real place.
I spent 30 years trying to find it.
No matter where I was,
I never felt like I belonged,

so out of place

so uncomfortable

so restless and so, so lost.

I just wanted to find a place
to sink my roots into
and grow like crazy.

I begged the land to take me
I begged the people to accept me
I begged God to be my everything
and I begged heaven to somehow save me

But Home was with me all along,
I just never knew it.
I was walking around in it
(even if I was a foot off the ground).

How did I not see
the most visible parts of me?
How could I not feel
the most tangible parts of me?

This right here,
this flesh and blood and bones
this skin and hair and nails
these organs that pump and drain and metabolize,
this completely marvelous body that KEEPS ME ALIVE-

This is Home,

and oh,

I am so ready to come Home.

I’ve spent too many years on the outside of myself
seeking validation and wisdom from every external source,
chasing after esoteric spiritual truths
while ignoring the incredibly personal truth within me…

Within this body
are all the secrets to my existence,
stories of who I am
and who I desire to be,
and so many pent-up personalities
desperate to be set free.

This body bears all my traumas
both large and tiny,
and while I seek others to heal me
my body already holds the keys…

if I just listen,

if I just feel in,

my body will tell me
exactly what I need.

I was never taught to trust my body
and this deep disconnection
has cost me so, so dearly.

Never again, my love.
I will not be leaving.
As long as I remain on this earth
I’m sticking with you
for better or worse.
We were always meant to be together,
We were always meant to be One.
I cannot live without you.

You are the Home I’ve been so desperate to find
and I repent for having been gone for such a long time…

Thank you for accepting me even when I have rejected you.
Thank you for keeping me alive when I’ve nearly killed you.
Thank you for bearing my pain when I was unable to.
And thank you for calling out to me
nagging me
so obnoxiously
just to get through to me…
because you love me
and you know what’s best for me.
Thank you for always trying to heal me.
I love you,

Happy Birthday.

 

 

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