the blues

Maybe I don’t really want to be
as open as I think I want to be
And maybe for tonight
I’d just rather hide
And maybe right now I’ll pretend
that I’m in love with you
because I’m still trying to find the rhythm
of my heartbeat in the blues.

Advertisements

Drama Queen

I’m reaching out to touch you
though I can never have you
Just one more tragedy
for this Drama Queen
But this time, I swear,
it feels so real…
I’ve waited all my life
for the way you make
me
feel.

Home (30)

April 12th, 2019

 

I often wondered if Home was a real place.
I spent 30 years trying to find it.
No matter where I was,
I never felt like I belonged,

so out of place

so uncomfortable

so restless and so, so lost.

I just wanted to find a place
to sink my roots into
and grow like crazy.

I begged the land to take me
I begged the people to accept me
I begged God to be my everything
and I begged heaven to somehow save me

But Home was with me all along,
I just never knew it.
I was walking around in it
(even if I was a foot off the ground).

How did I not see
the most visible parts of me?
How could I not feel
the most tangible parts of me?

This right here,
this flesh and blood and bones
this skin and hair and nails
these organs that pump and drain and metabolize,
this completely marvelous body that KEEPS ME ALIVE-

This is Home,

and oh,

I am so ready to come Home.

I’ve spent too many years on the outside of myself
seeking validation and wisdom from every external source,
chasing after esoteric spiritual truths
while ignoring the incredibly personal truth within me…

Within this body
are all the secrets to my existence,
stories of who I am
and who I desire to be,
and so many pent-up personalities
desperate to be set free.

This body bears all my traumas
both large and tiny,
and while I seek others to heal me
my body already holds the keys…

if I just listen,

if I just feel in,

my body will tell me
exactly what I need.

I was never taught to trust my body
and this deep disconnection
has cost me so, so dearly.

Never again, my love.
I will not be leaving.
As long as I remain on this earth
I’m sticking with you
for better or worse.
We were always meant to be together,
We were always meant to be One.
I cannot live without you.

You are the Home I’ve been so desperate to find
and I repent for having been gone for such a long time…

Thank you for accepting me even when I have rejected you.
Thank you for keeping me alive when I’ve nearly killed you.
Thank you for bearing my pain when I was unable to.
And thank you for calling out to me
nagging me
so obnoxiously
just to get through to me…
because you love me
and you know what’s best for me.
Thank you for always trying to heal me.
I love you,

Happy Birthday.

 

 

29

April 12th, 2018

29

Twenty-Nine.
Life begins, yet again.
Restart the cycle, let this be your rebirth.
Every new year starts with a brand new day,
minute,
second.

Life is brand new in every single moment,
there is nothing that is static.
All things are constantly turning over,
transforming,
reconfiguring,
beginning anew
just to end and start again,
CONSTANTLY.

The unfathomable paradox of life
is that every single moment is completely
different from the last,
and yet if you dwell in the moment,
you find that all is One,
never-changing,
utterly absolute.

Can you begin to grasp this insane concept?
That Change and the Absolute are one in the same?
Everything is different
and continually transforming,
and it happens to fast
that it’s impossible to measure!
Understand that this inability to divide time
and space to the smallest possible denominator
means that it’s all happening at once.
You can never stop dividing.
It goes on into eternity.

This IS the nature of eternity:
It’s here and now, in every moment, always.

These are the things I think about,
the existential issues that constantly beg for my attention.
If I can somehow grasp the bigger picture,
perhaps I can make sense of my silly little life.
If I can understand the very nature of life,
then maybe I’ll figure out the purpose of my own.

Because I’m now 29.
Which direction shall I go?
What portion of eternity can I grasp this year?
Minute?
Second?

Oh Soul,
you have so many worries,
and the Good Shepherd said to let it go,
you build nothing with anxiety.
To worry about the future
is to lose sight of the Now,
to miss the only life you’ll ever experience…
the undeniable reality of THIS MOMENT.

You may, and should, plan ahead,
but never in fear,
never in doubt.
Those cheap companions blind you to the bliss
of experiencing life in it’s simplicity.

Find a way to live in balance,
aware of the grander scheme of things,
but to recognize that Grand is experienced in the humble.
Let your humanity truly experience humanity,
and let your divinity remain divine.
Let these seemingly opposing aspects of your existence
touch one another
and support one another,

because this is the ALL of life.

Saturate yourself
in this exact moment
and realize,
you’ve lived in this space for eternity.
Let this be your grounding,
your source of peace and stability
as you once again
begin again
and live in the truth of
Twenty-Nine.

clenched fist

April 12th, 2017

Clenched Fist

I must let go
for the truth is
I hold on to nothing

See here:
I am but
a clenched fist
grasping illusions
which promise satisfaction
but only leave me
more hungry than before

Where does the illusion end
and reality begin?
Somewhere inside my palm.

The clenched fist knows nothing
but rabid desperation
But in letting go
it can be open to receive

Love is a creature
that cannot be controlled
cannot be manipulated
It must be accepted
as the wild and free spirit that it is

Do not try to corral it-
it will only break down your fences
destroying your illusions
of progress and success

Love cannot be tamed
it cannot be paraded about
enslaved to the circus master

Love cannot be dominated
and made into a whore
used, spent, and disregarded

Love exists on its own terms
and is subject to no one

If you think you possess love
then you are deluded
Love is possessed by none
Love is the possessor

Love does not exist
within the clenched fist

Love is but a spirit
passing through
just passing through

Open up your hand
let Love flow between your fingers